The Catty Shack - Lesson #1

Felis catus, otherwise knows at the domestic cat is a proud and arrogant
species. They thrive on irritating their humans to the point of reducing
them to a blubbering pile of flesh lying on the floor and shouting
unintelligible obscenities.
If you don’t believe me, try telling your cat to get in it’s carrier so you can
take it to the vet or the groomer’s. There is this place under every bed
that I refer to as the “Ha Ha Zone.” It is the spot on the floor smack in the
middle of your bed. It doesn’t matter if you keep gift wrap, old photos or
dirty socks under your bed, the “Ha Ha Zone” is there, too. It is the place
your cat runs to when you are late for the vet or grooming appointment.
He sits there, looking
at you from under the bed. If cat’s could smile, he would do just that. And
if he could speak, he’d say, “Ha Ha, Stupid!”
Cat’s can stay in this zone for an indefinite period of time. I am convinced
that their hunger and thirst pangs subside, and all other bodily functions
go into neutral for as long as they are in the “Zone.” They can stay there
forever, if need be.
Of course, they know all too well that they won’t need to stay in the “Ha Ha
Zone” for long. Scientific studies show that it takes an average adult
human from 4-27 minutes to reach the blubbering fool state. Most
humans fall into the 4-5 minute category while the few, more patient and
persistent individuals can hold out for the full 27 minutes before losing it.
As a cat groomer, I have been the recipient of more than one phone call
by a cat owner in such a described state. I will tell you, it is not pretty. I
have found myself numerous times calmly telling the caller to take a deep
breath, then another deep breath, and to forget about their appointment.
Instead, go to Starbucks or get a pedicure. Or both. What they really
want to do at that moment is strangle their beloved cat. But, of course,
they can’t because he’s under the bed in the “Ha Ha Zone.”
You have to be really sneaky to avoid this whole embarrassing situation.
Cat’s are smart. You have to be smarter. And you have to be really
deceptive. Cat’s pick up on things. So make a plan, but try to look like
your NOT making a plan.
Do it first thing in the morning. Be nonchalant. Nab your cat as soon as
possible and confine him to a room that is small and has no hiding places.
And NO beds! The bathroom or laundry room is best. Then when it’s
time to leave for the vet or groomer’s, quickly slip inside with the carrier
and put kitty inside. Be careful when you enter the room however, as your
cat will, by now, know that something is up. He will be looking for every
opportunity to dash out the door and under the bed where he will look at
you with the “triple ha” look, which means, “Ha, ha, ha, you are REALLY
stupid!” This can reduce a human to such a state that even Dr. Phil is of
no use.
Then it’s off to the vet’s office or the grooming shop. I’ve noticed that
several clients, when dropping off their cat for grooming, will look into the
carrier, smile sweetly at their kitty and simply say, “Ha.” I now know what
this means.